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14 October 2011 @ 11:59 pm
Over the past few weeks, I have to say that i have been struggling with everything in my life in general.  One day I had to sit down after i had my eye doc appt. and take a look at my life. I had to look at the past and now the present. Somewhere in my timeline of my life of choices something has affected me and has impacted me in an negative manner. I looked at my life mostly from when I left high school into my college years. Everything such as mental and health wise was fine. So as i sat and wondered in the very little time that i get, I realized when everything starting changing. That changing point was when I got back with my *now* husband. We have now been together going on 5 years and I have come to the point that my health now has been going down now for almost 4 years. Now yes, I took in the fact that I am not a young spring chicken anymore, but I'm not an old fart either. lol! I still believe 26 is a fairly young age and having major health problems beginning at the age of 22 is something that is strange.  I'm so lost. My life has changed so much and you would think that it would be more of an positive impact on your life than an negative. Since I have been married, everything in my life has changed. Now, I can deal with change, but I don't think i was even prepared for this. I'm so stressed and to the point overworked in everything. I'm past boiling point and my health is going down fast. So at this moment in time, I have to say this is the unhealthiest point in my life that I have ever been. I would need a good support system in place, but I don't get that. My husband would be content me being 200 pounds so he could stare down and day dream about these other women that are in Size 0's. Well I am at 144 today, and yes this is the heaviest i have ever been *not including being prego*. So i'm working on loosing this weight in which I have lost 8 pounds in which that is good, but i still have a ways to go.  So it didn't help my eye doctor telling me that i am fat and needed to loose weight just to see if my eye problem will get any better. So of course my husband tells me that the doctor is stupid for saying that, but that goes into a whole different topic on jealousy. He's one of those husbands that wants you to look fat and crappy so nobody else looks at you kind of deal. But i am not going into that. That just angers me and I have enough anger to deal with.

My stress levels are out the roof. I have about passed out because of this. I try to get 30 minutes to myself a day for me time. Mainly to exercise for my health or just to calm down. I have to fight for that. This past week i have dealt with so much. Turns out my hubby had a blood clot in his lung from his physical therapy. He spent 5 days in the hospital. SO i was making 2 trips back and forth each day and taking care of the kids while all of this was going. Everything is coming to a crashing hault. He has exhausted his workmans comp. He has to go back in about 2 weeks I believe for an final evaluation and after that is over he is cut off. That is just another big can of worms. He thinks he is going to just have a job at the snap of his fingers. I don't know. If he doesn't get a job then we will loose everything. I love living at the house we are at now. We rent and it is in the perfect place. I don't want to leave. I just don't know what to do anymore. My stress is going to kill me.
10 August 2011 @ 09:47 pm
Not sure what to really say. Life has become somewhat testy and restless. Now there are things in life that I am certainly against. Now being an christian there are just things that you don't do, because it goes against what you teach, pray, and believe.  So what happens in a relationship when views fight...Such as good vs. bad. I always believe that no matter what the situation is or how desperate you may be, there is a reason that you are there and God will always sustain you and bless you. 

So as I was saying, this week life had become very testy to the point that I was second guessing myself. Maybe it really wasn't me second guessing myself. Maybe it was more of the devil trying to invade and intrude and obstruct truth and justice. Ok..maybe i can break it down a little farther. My husband has been hurt since Feb and has been drawing workmans comp since then. Now i can say that our financial situation hasn't been the greatest and definitely we are not at our worst until this past month. To the point that our water was cut off, insurance cut off, and all our other bills being due or past due. I believe that God will always help provide for those who love him, but my husband has a different view on that. So we got into an extremely tight spot to where my husband felt that he needed to make some money on the outside doing something that he knows deep down was wrong.  So he made an decision and although it did help our situation out with a little bit of money, its eating my conscious up. I guess it is eating me up inside cause I knew it was wrong and i did state my opinion that I thought it was wrong, but I didn't really try to stop it.  So i get a message from a family member that was upset with what had been done and I don't blame her. To the point that i feel somewhat responsible, but not really. Just this one little thing has rippled into something larger. I'm bothered and it weighs heavily on my conscience but I can't undo the past. The past is the past, but the present is now. What we do now in our present will soon become our past and have an affect on our future. I just hate feeling like it was ultimately my decision but it really wasn't. Just bothers me like it was..

On another note..I guess i knew i was in for something this week. My pastor has been preaching for the last few weeks on the senses..Also, last week on Past, Present, and Future.. A lot of things that hit home. One thing in particular, to listen and hear what God is telling you. So last Sunday, I tried listening a little harder and God told me that this was going to be a hard week and that i needed to hold on tight to him more than ever.. Needless did i even have a clue what a hard week I was going to have, and it isn't even near over yet. Whew.. God has to go with me, because i can't make it if he don't.
25 July 2011 @ 05:26 pm
 Well! It has been a little bit since i have last wrote in my journal. I have looked over the last few entries and I have noticed that i have been such an Debbie Downer... I apologize! Lately i haven't had anything profound or worth writing about that hasn't been depressing. lol! Thats sad!

So the last entry I had mentioned about the status of my marriage. Well here is the update. So almost two weeks go by with me trying to decide what to do. I talked to a few friends, prayed, and just contemplated on the good vs. the bad. I took everything in with a grain of salt... haha.. So much wasn't said between the both of us during those weeks. He acted like nothing was wrong, but to me everything was wrong.  So after a week and half passed by he asked me to put my wedding rings back on. At the time, I hadn't decided what i was going to do so I had told him no.Then a few days later he asked me to put them on again and I had reached my decision. The kids were still up and I decided that to have this talk while they were sleeping. Even though they are 3 and 1, I wanted to make sure there were no distractions. So that night I told him, How I felt. I told him that I knew he was lying, and he stayed quiet. So I told him my decision.. That i was hurt and that I loved him. That if I wasn't  married to him and that happened then i would have left him. That i'm not a rug to walk over or stomp on. I am his companion that stands by his side. So after that I told him that I will put my rings back on only if he wants to make the commitment of being with me. I told him if he wanted out then I wouldn't hold it against him and we will just figure out what happened after that. So by this time he was crying. So to make an extremely long story somewhat shorter, the next day he wanted me to put my wedding rings back on hopefully understanding that If i took them off again then I was gone for good..

Well that decision turned out just flippin dandy. It's not been that long since that has last happened and he is starting back to his old ways again. There is no reason to snap like a twig when I didn't do anything. Now i admitted to him that I made a mistake of planning on my part. He wanted to go fishing this Past Sunday, and i told him that i would go with him. Well i forgot that the church picnic was that evening. Well it had been raining all day and stopped raining around the time of the picnic and then started raining again afterwards. He sat and played his xbox all day and never budged. Never mentioned he wanted to go fishing because of the rain. So he was mad that he didn't get to go fishing. He had a vehicle that he could have went himself because he had been going all week. The church only has 1 picnic a year. I apologized to him and told him that I did want to go, but i had forgotten about the picnic and had been wanting to go to it for a while. So he has not only bit my head off once, but a few times now over this situation. So I'm about officially done. Something so stupid that he wants me to feel awful and tear me down over. He has went ALL week by himself and with other people and he just wants to blow up on me. Forget that. I've tried being patient. Tried giving 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances if not more.. I've tried overlooking him screaming at me.  I've tried overlooking him putting me down and talking crap about me. I've read and I've prayed until I could pull my hair out. I had received an answer about this situation when we dated, but not when we were married and I believe it is still what God wants. I screwed up and didn't listen and Got myself in this situation that I am in now. If i decided to leave, it would not be for the intention of finding another person. Right now I think there is many things and places that God wants me to do for him and he is just not in the picture. Sad to say.... I about bawled at the baptism yesterday because when i saw the face of my youth pastor when he was baptizing his two children. That picture will forever be in my mind. I know every marriage isn't perfect and they all have their fights and squabbles. It would just be nice to know that your husband tells you he loves you and couldn't live without you and really mean it. I see my youth pastors example that he leads through his marriage and his life and that is something i want. I want my kids to know that there is a God out there that loves them unconditionally and cares for them. I want them to be raised in an good environment. I want them to see their parents as a good role models and want to have a good marriage for themselves. Not a broken home, filled with anger and violence. 

I just want to move. I have thought about it a few times here lately. Thinking about just packing up our stuff and try to start a whole new life half way across the world. Maybe one day I will wake up and that is what i will do. Enough of this life. On to something different, new, and perhaps better than the one i am living now.
Current Mood: coldcold
14 June 2011 @ 12:15 am
 Well I should have figured out by the last journal entry that i had made that good things usually don't last long. So while everything else was crumbling around me, I actually thought my world was holding up for a chance. Ha! What in the world was I thinking?? So my 3 year old son brings my husbands phone to me, because he loves cell phones. Well he had pushed some buttons and what do I discover....naked pictures and nasty texts... Now i was infuriated...Even though the girl lives half way across the united states, I still consider that adultery... Bull! I was so angry and upset that I didn't talk to my husband all that day... He had about 6 hours to come up with a story and the best that he could come up with " Honey, It was just a prank planned by me and her to bring us closer together, because she was going through the same kind of problems we were going.. So she had done that to her husband and it worked." Ummm yeahh and I am stupid...So he lies upon lies to me.  I am furious to the point of walking out on him and taking my kids and splitting...My cell phone had ran out of minutes, so i didn't get to forward those messages to my cell and of course he went and deleted them. He still doesn't understand why I am still so mad. So that day I took my wedding rings off, because i haven't decided if I want to stay with him. He thinks I am warming back up to him, but as of right now I am so confused that I don't know what I want to. If i wasn't married, I would have left in a heartbeat and never looked back, but it is different when your married and have 2 babies...My anger is building up inside and I just don't know what to do anymore. I have always treasured the idea of "marriage" being bonded by God. Taking into account that Marriage should be something special between two people and never be separated. That is the reason why you should be careful by whom you marry.. Well i guess i didn't really think that out, because i was to busy being sick from being pregnant.  I have told just a couple people about this to get their opinions on what they would really do if it was them. But then again.. It's not them it is me and everyone is gonna say something different. So the majority of the opinions I got was to leave him and that I deserved much better. His reply from his mother was that  she didn't want to loose another daughter-in-law *my brother-in-law's wife left him just recently*. She also stated that people make mistakes and goes on to tell me that she had *cheated* on her husband at one point in time, but eventually felt so guilty that she had to tell her husband. My reply back to her was that Yes people do make mistakes, and it would be easier to forgive someone if they confessed to it. The thing is in my situation, he is still lying about it and denying that it ever happened. This isn't the first time..... I have caught him doing it before... How many times has he done it and i haven't caught him.... Grrrr.... Just don't know if i want to give another chance.... Would you???
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: When Love and Hate Collide
25 May 2011 @ 12:59 am
I just feel so blessed...So many things happen around me that starts to spin my head. I just look at everything around me crumbling and I just see how I am so blessed that for the moment my life is holding together! 

I've actually got to go to the tanning bed and spend a few moments to myself! Gosh it is so nice!! To actually have a few moments to myself. I use to have time to myself when the hubby was working but I don't get that time anymore. So any few moments that I can catch in peace is worth the trouble. 

Peace and quiet... boy i wish i had some now....
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Whenever You Come Around- Vince Gill
14 May 2011 @ 11:04 pm
 First off, I've look at my previous entries and I have to say that I have been very depressing and aggravated lately...So i apologize...

Have you ever had your world around you go crazy and you have to step back and say what in the world is happening??? So found out my brother-in-law and his wife are splitting. Full evidence of what drugs can do for your marriage, especially when you have only been married for 2 years. Its sad, and breaks my heart for her.  Then this whole hubby being hurt thing... Then today he was outside taking a few minutes to try to work on his grill for his truck. He don't get out much where his back kills him. So he was outside and I was inside and he came to the door and hollered. He had gashed his leg open with an grinder....Apparently he was working on a piece of metal and it hit something and made the grinder jump in the wrong direction and caught his leg... The result 7 stitches... Not to bad, but he was flipping out...Cussing me out and every one in the world because *he* cut his leg. So he wanted his parents to drive 35 minutes to come and sit at the house cause he had the garage door open and his tools laying out... The truck was parked half in and half out, and it is a stick shift... So he told me not to move his truck in the midst of his ranting, and I just ignored him and went and backed the truck up enough to get the garage shut and locked.... I can't drive a stick shift but i did manage to get it to go in reverse. lol!  So when i walked back in, I got cussed out more and I seriously thought about telling him to take himself to the hospital... but i held my tongue and didn't. 

Yesterday had a flat tire, and the hubby pumped it up last night and forgot and left one of his air tools on the top of the vehicle. So this morning we left the gas station and heard an clang... The hubby thought it was a rock, but i thought it sounded like something metal. So we never looked to see what it was and figured out later what it was. I can't see on top of my vehicle because i am to short, but he can and he didn't pay any attention... Oh well... Went back to the gas station about 3 hours later and it was gone of course.....

I went and bought an beautiful flower vase full of flowers at the flower shop for my mother-in-law for mothers day. We couldn't make it over to her house for Mothers day, so we told her that we would be there later this past week. I paid a lot of money for the flowers and extra for the vase i knew she would like, but when we gave them to her she seemed to care less. I guess because my husband is not her *favorite* child... My brother-In -law *druggie* can do no wrong her eyes and she will bend over backwards for him. But its a totally different story when it comes to my husband. If he ever asks her for anything, she always makes it into a big drama story. I'm sick of drama... blah... I have enough in my life.. So she said that she liked them with a fake grin and I just nodded and smiled.
Went to the tanning bed, and i felt like an egg frying on that bed today! Whew now my sunburn itches and then I just got over one problem.... and another problem arises... Don't feel like mentioning that....Also my eye problem is starting to flare up....I'm gonna be 26 in just a couple months and at this rate, I'm not gonna make it to 26....Whew!
Sometimes i just wanna go crawl in a hole or just move away... lol I wonder if my problems would follow? 
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Neon Moon Brooks & Dunn
04 May 2011 @ 03:03 pm
 Most of the time, I am a pretty patient person. I usually don't step out of line and put my nose where it doesn't belong. Most the time, I keep quiet but dang it takes a lot of strength to do that.  Today I am very aggrivated, agitated, and upset at the same time. Not a good day to mess with me. So let me explain a little, just to make myself feel better. So i am married and I try to be supportive of his decisions, but this is getting retarded!!!! So we have 2 kids that are really young and we have been struggling with money since we have gotten married and had kids. Now it wouldn't be so bad, but the problem is that my husband can't hold a job. He works in the mines and his work is very unpredictable where is working as a contractor not on company. He has an *attitude* that many people can't stand and they say just whatever to get him out of their hair. My husband has not held one job for a year. Granted that he has came close but he always gets laid off. When i thought he was actually doing good at this last job, *the longest job he has held*, he gets hurt. He does more than he should have to try to get a job on *company*. Well then he tries to go back to work while he is hurt, and then hurts his back even more after the 1st time. So that time did him in, and even though the company told him that they were *laying off all contractors*, I got the feeling it was because he was considered to be an liability. Well for the past 3 months we have been getting workers comp. Now he fount out that he had an buldging herniated disk in his l4-l5 and he has been taking shots and now Physical Therapy. He has had 3 sessions of physical therapy and he thinks he is ready to go back to work. Granted to say that he can't stand up for more than 20 minutes walking.... ummm how are you gonna crawl in hole, duck squat walk in a mine... So he up and calls the place where he worked before and told them that he wants to come back to work after this physical therapy. 

So part of me is thinking that its great that he thinks he ready to go back to work, but another part of me is being very selfish. I know he isn't ready to go back to work and its was just so nice to have a dependable steady paycheck. He has 2 kids to worry about and I don't think that even crosses his mind. He says that is the only reason why he is working in the mines, because of us but i think different. I think its because its a family tradition and it wouldn't matter if someone outside of a mine offered him 30 more dollars on the hour than what he makes in the mine, he wouldn't take it. We have had a lot of problems over this, because he was unemployed for over a year, and we lost the place we were renting due because our rent payment was late. So we had to move. Now we are living in a nicer place, and I love it here but we are still renting. Now since he has been home all he does is play the xbox cause that is all he can do that doesn't cause him any back pain. So his spending for games..etc... has caused us not to have enough rent money and had to wait for the next check to pay it because we are 150 short.. Granted we pay 650 a month here, but i love it and it is definitely worth it. I would love to buy this house, but you need money and good credit, both of which i don't have. So I have worried myself all day yesterday and I get up expecting that his check will be here today. So can you guess what happens next?? His check didn't come today. Out of every paycheck he has gotten they have always been here on Wednesdays. So now rent is gonna be 2 days late, which that might not be bad but ever since we got kicked out of our place before it just stresses me more than an normal person. We can't save money like any normal people, because he stays out of work so long, that it takes us forever to catch up when he does get a job. Then when we do get caught up, he gets laid off again.

So being stressed from not getting rent paid, my husband calls me and tells me he is trying to go back to work before he is ready. I can't handle this stress. It has physically made me sick today. I just feel like crap and I'm jumpy thinking the landlord is gonna come by or call.  My nerves are shot....My patience is running thin...Am i wrong?? Do you think i am worry over nothing?? I just want an home for my children and in order to get that, you have to have money.
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: So Far Away-Staind
29 April 2011 @ 05:14 pm
 Shew sometimes my life is just down right depressing! lol! I so need some friends to go hang out with or do something instead of sitting here on the computer..just waiting for life to pass by! Pretty depressing! I am in the same ole rut every day and I am just bored with it!! I need something fresh and exciting.....hmmmmmmmmmmm
Current Mood: boredbored
28 April 2011 @ 04:43 pm
 I have to say that these past few weeks of my life have been very different.  Many challenges have arose these past couple weeks challenging myself in many different ways. I had to re evaluate my life, decisions, choices, and even down to my words that i chose to speak.  I have fount myself holding my tongue on different things when anger came my way. I was tested many times, believe me. I just stopped and prayed about it and the great thing is that it got better. Through life you kinda become complacent and *think* you know how much God loves us. So these past few weeks, I have been praying for a few things in general. Not that I haven't prayed before, but now I think my eyes are opened and are a little clearer.  One thing in particular that I prayed about is direction in my life. Seems like I lost my way to what God needed me to do.  But his question to me was...Do you know how much I love you... So i started wondering, praying,  and seeking answers for this...Then just the simple chorus lyrics of a song opened my heart up to only a fraction of how much he loves us...and I tell you it was amazing. I was filled with so much emotion my legs couldn't hold me up that i fell to the ground with such comfort and peace. I got a small taste and It was almost more than I could bare. Then the next day, I felt more and more of his love  overpowering me and I would just burst into tears.. You could imagine the strange looks I got... haha :) But as for direction, I may have an idea on the direction he needs me to go in but I'm still praying about it until he makes it clear what it is needed..
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Glorious Day-Casting Crowns
13 April 2011 @ 06:06 pm
Current Mood: indescribable